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xxxx

 

“Love is loving things that sometimes you don’t like.” -Ajahn Brahm

The most challenging part of relationships is learning to accept people for who they are–to know all their quirks, insecurities, and weaknesses and choose to simply let them be.

Psychologists suggest that once we form an idea, we develop an emotional attachment that makes it extremely difficult to abandon it. We feel convinced our way is the right way, and feel an imperative to sway other people accordingly, particularly people who are close to us.

The irony is that this tends to push people further away. It’s hard to feel loved when you feel judged.

Today, resist the urge to “fix” people around you (unless, of course, someone is legitimately unsafe).

If there’s one thing we all want, it’s to feel fully accepted, inadequacies and all. We want permission to stop judging ourselves and just be. Put that kind of love out there and you may be surprised to notice it coming back to you.

Then I was young and unafraid,
& dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine untasted.
But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
As they turn your dreams to shame.

 

 

We learn a lot every day, some lessons more important than others.
This week, I've thought a lot about my present, my future, and my past.
I've always reckoned I'm pretty much like a Carrie Bradshaw (the earlier years of course, because when Sex & the City got made into a movie, it lost its spark. I have to admit that. Selling yourself to go mega-big sometimes has its downsides.)
A die-hard romantic, even when sometimes I do the silliest of things that I don't approve of,
Somehow I'm always looking for Mr Right, The One, somehow who'd fit with me, amplify my good points, love me for who I am,
Someone whom I'd love back.
It's pretty crazy to say this, but even as I'm looking for relationships, I'm looking for the person I can grow old with.
Is it so hard to find that ?
I honestly don't think I've been on many dates, I don't even think I've been lucky in affairs of the heart.
The last time I was in a serious relationship, the one and only time, was when I was in high school.
No, I'm being completely serious here. How does that work out ?

Sometimes in the day, in the night, when I'm sitting in my room doing work I should have done the day before,
The loneliness hits me.
I wish I had someone next to me, someone I could go home to, someone I could really say "We're ... together"
In the age and time where I have friends who are already planning their future together,
getting apartments and discussing their future life,
I have to admit, I do feel pretty out of place.
In this Asian society that's trying its best to catch up with Western beliefs,
It still has within it the pressures on women to be in a relationship, to be married young.
I can't say I like how my mindset is, but I really do find it hard to be alone.
And I find it rather difficult in accepting how easy it is for the people around me to find someone to be with.

Is it truly that hard? 
When it comes to thoughts like this, I start questioning myself.
Why aren't I good enough, what's wrong with me?
I mean, yeah, I'm definitely up for losing weight, who isn't,
I have my issues, but I hate it when people tell me
"Oh you're nice" "There's nothing wrong with you" "Wait it out"
"That's not true, someone will want to be with you"
That's not it. I honestly would be grateful for someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
This isn't a one way street, it's a two way street, and there's apparently only traffic on one side of it.
I truly just want to know what's wrong with this - me? The situation ? The men here? How I look? 
What? If someone could just pinpoint the problem, I'll fix it.
That's how ready I am at this point.

Let's face it, you might think this reeks of desperation but really, I beg to differ.
I'm not going to end up with any Tom, Dick or Harry, I'm not going to end up with someone whom I'm half-hearted about.
If I were like that, I'd have been in a million relationships from God knows when,
and I'd be goofing around with someone I had perhaps lukewarm interest in.
That's not what I want, is it really intense if I want someone I can work together with, someone who is willing to fight for what's right, someone who has dreams and aspirations just like me? 
I don't think it's intense at all, I mean, I'm not looking for a husband.
I'm not a kid and I'm not looking for someone to take care of me.

This I ask you, my reader, are you in a happy relationship?
Are you still waiting for The One?
Do you even believe in The One?

After all I've been through, you'd think I'd given up on the one,
& that I'd finally give in to the idea of one night stands, flings, and all that.
But I could never live with that.
If I didn't have an ounce of love, or emotion, towards someone,
I wouldn't be able to kiss them, or even look into their eyes, without wanting to run, or throw up, or just vanish.
That's how hard it is, I just wish it were easier.
I just wish that all this waiting, and hoping, this yearning, would manifest itself.
That it would manifest into reality.

Life is what you make of the situation, but if there is no situation for me to make something out of,
Then all I'm left with is just null, blank, emptiness.
Which was the point of this in the first place,
That empty feeling within me.

I wish I could ask the guys I've been interested in why they didn't feel the same way,
or ask the guys who have walked away when I thought things were going in the right direction why they gave up,
or ask the cheating scums why I was their choice of dessert, if you know what I mean.
So many questions, but really, how do you open your mouth to reach for these answers?
God, maybe I am really just too out there, too intense.

This has been a long post, and rather self-centered,
But necessary.
There is just so much I can bear before I have to just spring everything on this blog.
Do we still hold on to hope, or do we just give up and become cynics?
I can't bring myself to give up on hope, yet hoping for all eternity seems like what a silly goose will do.
Then again, perhaps I am just such a silly goose.

The bottom line?
I wish I were in a relationship, or even just somewhere near a third, fourth or fifth date with a future.
Is there really no one out there for me? 

 

Four years ago, when you told me not to leave you behind,
When you told me not to leave you alone with them,
I came back. You were the reason I lived.

Now, I can't ask you to do the same for me.
I have to get through this alone.
Even if it tears me apart, I know I can pull myself together again.
I've done it again, and again, and again.

I had the worst dream last night.
I dreamt of all the people who had bullied me,
I dreamt of the people who had all that hatred in their eyes.
And I dreamt that someone who felt the same way all of you did  about a boy shot him,
Right in front of me.
& that scared me.
I felt real fear, and I felt that same haunting names they used to call me creep up into my veins,
and when I awoke I feared the same gun would be pulled to my head.

& I saw you, walking out of your room.
Reality hit me and the fear dissipated.
I'll never have that for the next four years.
I'm praying it'll make me stronger.
 

So I missed my graduation ceremony . No throwing of the hat, no certificate collection on stage.
I did, however, catch the dinner that was hosted for all the Business School students.
Two pictures from the night, let's just say I was waaay not dressed for it. ;) What's new.
Both Maisha & I were dressed by La Moxie. xx



Maisha (on my right) is wearing a dress and necklace by La Moxie. <3



My hooded tank, necklace and AWESOMRE printed skirt/short is from La Moxie too! 


Are you psyched enough?! ;)
Check out La Moxie in August,
our mailing list will be up for joining soon - catch a chance to attend our preview party.
xx